2nd-5th Year of Teaching (2013-2017)

 2nd Year

Chet: When I die, I'm donating my body to science.
Ryan: What type of science?
Chet: The kind... that cures all the diseases.

Rachel: How old are you?
Aubrey: 22...?
Bethany: Why are you questioning it.You're 22.
Rachel: Are you? You're older than me, aren't you?
Aubrey: ...yes?
Rachel: I thought you were older than me. I'm 22. How old are you?
Aubrey: I think I'm 22, but you're making me question it.

Well, Indiana no longer requires BLOOD TESTS in order to acquire a marriage license. Good thing, because it would've been pretty painful... to have to break off the engagement. -Bethany

"Okay, I know what this is going to make me sound like, but the word 'hipster' isn't a term anymore." -Nick Chavez

Let's try it again, but this time... not catch it on fire!" says Matt's voice optimistically from the kitchen 

"How to catch a Bethany. Put some chocolate chips on a piece of paper and she will come to feed. She's an allusive bird." -Matthew talking to himself in the kitchen

Me: So, who began the Holy Roman Empire?
Student: Chamilionaire.
Me: Close, close. You mean Charlemagne.

Me: The Ottomans took over the Byzantine empire...
Student: Aren't ottomans furniture?
Me: Yes, also that.

Me: In Japanese culture, the peasants were more highly regarded than the merchants!
Student: Aren't peasants birds? I'm just sayin', yo.

Edit

"Do you come here too often when the manager hugs you when you walk in?" -Roger, making a literal statement about Culvers

So I've just realized that I had mixed up a couple of my spice cap labels. I've been using the wrong spices for weeks. It's not a super big deal, I guess, but it was still a waste of thyme.

3rd Year

Bethany: Did you know Joan Rivers died?
Matt G: What? ... She was younger than my mom!
Bethany: ... She was 81!

Bethany: It's the first day of fall! We should go celebrate!
Matt G: With what?
Bethany: Like a pumpkin spice latte or something!
Matt G: Okay! Are we really doing this?
Bethany: Sure! ...I've never had one before.
Matt G: Yeah, I have no idea what they taste like.

"Clean plate club. Genesis 90:32." -Kayla

"I've always liked that slight smell of manure in the background. It reminds me of home. It's just kind of relaxing..." -Matt

4th Year

"So 'In sickness and in health' really meant 'In Bethany's sickness and in Matt's health,' didn't it?" -Matthew, setting water, snacks, candles, flowers, and medicine next to the couch.

I snuck out of bed to get Matt a donut. On my way out the door I saw a paper bag full of donuts on the table. Turns out Matt had the same idea, but got up earlier. It's like the Gift of the Magi, except I keep my hair and we both get donuts. -Bethany

Matt, after accidentally bringing home the 3D version of the The Hobbit on DVD: "Well... Looks like I'm about to take an Unexpected Journey."

Edit

A student came in to fifth grade wearing a Tennessee Titans shirt. His friend: "I'm not MAD at you, I'm just embarrassed."

"Guys, we don't bite our friends." -Bethany to students

"Mrs. Guerin. Look. My pants have consumed me." -a 5th grader sitting at his desk with his arms trapped in his sweatpants all the way up to the elbows

Student: "How old are you today, Mrs. G?"
Bethany: "62."
Student: "... Wait, REALLY?"
Student 2: "No, she can't be. She would have kids." 
Student 3: "Yeah, and she'd look way worse."

Bethany: "Eli, why are you drawing on my board??"
Student: "I don't know what got into me, but for some reason I just feel like honoring our troops." 

Student: Mrs. Guerin, guess what? We saw the ACTUAL black pirate outfit from the movie Pan. Have you seen Pan?
Me: No...
Student: Well, we saw the REAL costume that HUGH JACKMAN wore! He wore it himself! And we saw it!
Me: I feel like you're more excited about Hugh Jackman's outfit than the TWO THOUSAND year old artifacts we saw...
Student: Ha yeah who cares- But you should watch Pan, it's great!

Student: "Mrs. Guerin, it seems like this class is becoming a dictatorship!"
Bethany: "Ahhhh... Actually, it's a democracy, but I'm the only one old enough to vote!" (the 10 year olds all stare as I laugh maniacally at my own joke)

5th Year

(Watching Singin' in the Rain)
Ben: Adolf. That's not a name you see anymore. 
Me: Can you imagine being such a bad person that you ruin-
Ben: Two names AND a mustache? No.

Bethany: Tonight's debate is going to be interesting. There's going to be... So much shouting. Like Everybody Loves Raymond.
Steve Kirk: No, like Seinfeld. No, like Jerry Springer!
Bethany: Except they're shouting about who gets custody of America.