July 2022 - Present

July 2022

I’ve realized that I’m radically sober. Other people at their highest can’t keep up with my soberness. -Nick

Oh, I get it. They look like they’re going to the nicest church inside of a Lowes. -Nick

I need to put these shoes back on. I’m sittin’ in my own feet. -Matt

We could all comfortably eat a meal at this stump. -Nathan

Guys, I know you don’t need a play by play of what’s coming out of my nose, but… -Kelly

Scott the garbage man pitcher. Dishin’ out —— every time. -Matt

When I take you places in my car, I’m going to lock the doors so you can’t have coffee. -Joah, age 11

It’s called The Maze Runner: The Death Cure. There’s way more death than cure, but that’s okay. -Jessa

The waters exceptionally cold. Except when you get some warm foam…. Whale pee…. -Matt

Bethany: Kelly! You don’t have a change of clothes! Kelly: Yeah… it got away from me.

I thought about going to the wrong school… just to start a problem, you know? Matt Black showing up to the elementary school field for a game of wiffle ball 

Matt: I like dem cheeks!!!! Kelly: No. Matt: BEEF CHEEKS!!! Kelly: No.

(Pointing to a quesadilla) This bad boy’s goin’ DOWN. -Joah

You know what they say… I can’t think of a way to rhyme COVID with Matt. -Matt Black

(About the clueless guy standing in front of our picture) He’s clearly a republican. -Spencer 

He had, like, porky the pig suspenders… like, off brand porky the pig suspenders. Like, what the hell are you doing? -Spencer

I think being vegetarian gives you, like, a sixth sense… -Matt Black

He’s like a little tank. -Matt, talking about Eric Haas

Matts don’t murder Matts. It’s something you’re born with. -Matt Black

I just try to listen to Fox News… not so I can believe it… but mostly to just… fuel my anger. -Random old lady on the redwood grove trail at Henry Cowell State Park

They’re a whole county fair in one bite… all the pigs… and showmanship… -Matt, about a delicious fried Chinese pastry

They tackled relevant social issues, like racism… and cow milking… -Scott about little house on the prairie

Give her some bread to soak up the poison I just gave her -Nick (about Penny the dog)

You’re a Californian and you’re just doing Hoosier drag. -Nick to Bethany

Eli: What was your inspiration for tonight’s meal? Nick: Yeah, what was the flavor profile? Brittany: Leftovers?

There’s something evil inside of me. Something evil is afoot. An evil foot. -Nick

There’s nothing I love more than being a coastal elite. Especially a bi-coastal elite. (Wink) -Nick

I am a poop traditionalist in that I want my poop to stay in my body. -Nick (pretending to be a midwesterner)

He’s the glue that sticks us all inside. -Brittany (about Spencer)

I want a Siamese with a lazy eye or one that looks like it got smashed by a truck. -Nick talking about what cat he wants

If I have to move to Indiana, I’m going to have to dump Josh. I don’t wanna get hate crimed at Kohls. -Nick

Lesbians love to organize… they loooove a parade. -Nick

(After settling a dispute between the boys in the backyard) Person 1: Carry on my wayward sons… they’ll be peace when you are done… Person 2: That kind of works! Person 1: Lay your weary heads to rest… Person 2: May you cry no more! Totally works!

Are we in a sketchy area? Is my globe okay? -Kelly

I was vibratin’ on that one… that guy drivin’ by. -Kelly, mildly inebriated in the back of the truck with a large plate of glass on her lap

August 2022

God’s inconsistent with decorating with the weather and I can’t handle that. -Emma Albert

If you guys were my kindergarten class, you would be quiet right now! -Jill

I don’t mind jumping off a cliff if I know what the cliff is!!! -Ronda

The copy machine cut off part of my sticker so that instead of it saying “AIM HIGH”, it says “IM HIGH”… do I need to redo the copies?? -Joy

This one time, I was mindin’ my own business on a slip n’ slide… -LillyAnn

We found his walkie talkie there! -LillyAnn about Benjamin Franklin in Wabash

(As a baby is shrieking while he’s trying to baptize her) I know this dying to yourself stuff is for the birds. -Ethan Linder

Does this smell like an open mind? Is this what a thousand wishes smells like? -Katie Jo at bath and body works

Bethany: Successful voodoo is Jesus’ voodoo. Deven: Redeem that voodoo for Jesus.

I don’t know that I’ve ever given someone a piggy back ride prior to knowing their name -Nathan

We’re very well acquainted because we’re on the mat all the time trying to choke the life out of each other. -Noah about his girlfriend

Bro, talk me through your leg. -Nathan pretending to ask a man about his leg tattoo

You are my sugar daddy… my fair sugar daddy…  -Kelly to Nathan 

She and I are going to meet about it. She just doesn’t know it yet. -Betsy

May you work and wash and pray. -Kim Gegner

Jon: What is the consequence if we don’t do it? Deven: face the wrath of my fists of fury.

Don’t be a sicko…. (Pause)… (aside) I’m very therapeutic. -Kelly

Sacrifices were made. -Kelly

Mistakes were made. -Kelly

We are not allowed to sing the birthday song as if we’re sad. It makes me bananas. -Ronda

Levi: Well, math is healthy for us. Paul: No, healthy is just things you eat.

Why would the pink panther be purple? John B.

No person is satan and no person is Jesus. … well, one person is Jesus. But I dropped that off the slogan. -Lindsey 

Teresa plays something akin to upbeat polka music. Jessa: What is this music? Beth: We’re going to play it at your wedding! This is what you walk down the aisle to! Teresa: Yeah! Jessa: I know who won’t be helping plan my wedding.

(She’s not a first born. She’s just blessed on the side.) -Deven

“Can I get a drink from the lost and fountain?” Charles

I don’t give a WHOLE FOODS about your toothbrush. -Matt riffing on Kelly’s comment to the kids

Tomorrow’s not the weekend, so I need my beauty rest… my inner beauty. -Kelly

Nathan: How much is a world? Ronda: More than you could eat in an evening.

I have four miles before I speak. -Ronda

If I ever Donald Trump anything, please shoot me. -Nathan

Bethany: I recited Treebeard’s song for my speech in 8th grade. Kelly: No wonder you didn’t have any friends.

I was poppin’ the bennies today. -Matt (Benadryl)

Person 1: I’m not ready yet. Person 2: We’re reviewing our favorite things. Person 3: That’s fine. Mine is silence. I’ll wait.

Andrew: It’s weird being Mr. Mom during the day. Emma: It’s weird not being Mrs. Mom. Andrew: It’s… just mom. 

Graham, come up here and hang out with me. He’s going to stand here with me because he’s trespassed against me. -Jon in assembly

This air freshener makes my room smell like a vodka tonic and it’s a problem. -Bethany 

I put all my enthusiasm in my arms. -Bizzy

Lucy: Who are the four people who invaded Egypt again? Nathan: No, no. Foreign invaders.

“Hey Jackson, do you like Mrs. Guerin as a teacher?” “Yeah, wish I had her before.”

September 2022

We will wait for Mr. Brockus to get out of his self imposed hangman’s noose. -Jon in assembly

I don’t know what God’s been cookin’, but he needsta TURN IT DOWN! -Malaki (squinting in the sun)

I pity anything under my care. -Katy

Beth: Families that pickle together… Jaena: Stickle together. 

Erick… went to a… booty call wedding. Nobody had his body. -Matt, summarizing a story Kyla told 

Erick: There’s Chris Tomlin. The original church Chad. Kyla: Now he’s church dad. Erick: Church dad FO SHO! Who wouldn’t want Chris Tomlin to be their dad? They could go to Passion every year for free.

Erick: People were crying! (About his wedding tacos) Beth: Erick, I don’t think anybody cried… Erick: … I cried!

Rachel: (about her shoes) they’re coming off. Matt: That’s why I wore flats to start. Rachel: To start? Then you’ll work your way up?

I enjoy pregnant pauses… I’m not pregnant. -Kayla at Anne’s wedding

I’m Blake’s grandma………. And I’ve had a few beers…. God bless. -Blake’s grandma at open mic

I won’t run into the ground… how selfless and helpful you both are… and blah blah blah… -Luke  to Anne and Blake

I recognize that blonde lady who got up… she was at Indiana Wesleyan with you. -Anne’s wedding photographer about Bethany

If you want to observe an ant, all you have to do is go to the cafeteria. -Jon 

Clothes are hard. Adam and Eve. (Punches hand) Why did they sin? -Sarah

So I have a pillow on one side and Ethan on the other so that if a robber comes to stab me, he will either stab the pillow… or Ethan! -Sarah

Matt: You’re the captain! Sarah: No, I’m not! The ship is sinking!

Not real rum. Story rum. -Bizzy

You come in here and you feel stufficated. -Rosemary

It felt familiar, but fresh. -Kelly about The Rings of Power

C’mon, Iraq, get it together! -Kelly (about a spam email)

You were just unsafetyfied by your safety glasses. Jessa

I do have vitamin D. It’s called vitamin darkness. -Jessa

I couldn’t have barbies because my mom didn’t want to set a unrealistic feminine expectation. My mom gave me strawberry shortcake instead. My dolls smelled like food. Where did that get us? -Deven

I’m watching a show called See. It should be called Whisper. I can’t hear it. -Matt

Let me tell you all you people booing. You suck. Notre Dame isn’t even ranked. -speaker guy

Harry Styles looks like he uses too much heroin. -Kelly

I’ve always been a stick in the mud. -Matt

Don’t be cheekin’ those medications. -Matt

So they will just die of dehydration and I won’t feel bad about it. -Nathan

Anytime there’s a cleanup job, I wish I had an Indiana Jones whip. -Nathan

Just stir with your left hand, Ben. It’ll be fine. -Ronda

That was the most ninja thing I’ve ever done. I hit a bee with a knife! -Kelly

As you can tell, I’m a jelly person. -Matt

“I’m afraid they will think that we worship Satan” -Bethany

Matt: They do that for semis. Nathan: well, I am not a semi. And it is stupid. 

If you buy these shoes… THEY PLANT a tree!! -Kelly 

Guys- let me teach you how to be poor! C’mon!!! -LillyAnn

If we’re going to be out here for 45 minutes, we might as well a conversation. But sometimes they get frustrated and it goes south. -Chris (soccer)

I don’t like work hard play hard. I like work medium play medium. -Matt 

“Did I eat something with parasites that are going to my brain and to my stomach and killing me?” -Kel

“If an astronaut goes to explore a planet and dies, has that planet experienced death before life?” -Sam 

That’s where the blood was coming from. Me! -Matt

You guys can just call me Princess. -Sarah Linder

Or old yeller. I loooove how that guy eats bacon. He’s, like, lickin his lips. It’s very appealing! -Sarah Linder

That puts a little bit of a hitch in the giddy up. -Jon 

As Katie Jo “The Hammer” Brown put it: no grace. -Jon 

Don’t throw waffles. -Bethany to Kenton 

So my kids are laughing at the boob shape of atoms… what would you recommend? -Bizzy

“Does your AARP card work after 6?” Matt to Kelly

Ummm… Bethany. Look how adorable that cowboy bee is. He’s got six shooters. -Matt 

I don’t mind if people know. I just don’t want to tell them. -Katy

Katy: I’m looking forward to Lilli’s pumpkin party thing… Ellie: oh, yeah! When is that? Katy: I have no idea. But I’m looking forward to it.

October 2022

This isn’t a piggy IN a blanket. It’s a piggy ON a blanket. -Jessa 

They really locked in on the gritty and not so much on the propaganda. -Nathan

The only time I’ve ever enjoyed breakfast in my life is with people. -Bethany

Sometimes I’m ambitious and sometimes I’m ambitchious, you know?  

Just because I taught you that doesn’t mean you can do it to me. -Kelly to Joah

Nathan: What’s the saying? Smoke follows beauty? Bethany: I’ve never heard that phrase. Leah: It got mixed up tonight.

Kelly: I really appreciated the effort. Kayla: You appreciated the f word?

Isaiah: is this Rivendell? Beth: No, it’s Lothlorien. Isaiah: that’s pretty close. Beth: I don’t want to nerd out on you, but they’re not. Isaiah: *I* don’t want to nerd out on you, but in the Lego game, they ARE.

I should get stats for what I just did the past 5 hours. -Lindsey

I have a question. We went to the Grand Canyon last year! What did I miss?! -Erica Eyer after getting glasses

Bethany: Are you going to be loyal to Britain or separate from Britain? Student: Who’s he? 

“I love being the troll under that bridge!” -Beth with palpable delight

There’s plenty of jelly in there. Ya just gotta want it. -Nathan 

You kept saying it. I figured you were just asking for it. -Jessa

I need my headphones so I can listen to my HP jams… -Matt

The Phoenicians have made their way into the Declaration of Independence. -Nathan

Matt: Man… that guy LOVES Star Trek. Bethany: He’s a trekky. Kelly: Is there a girl in the car? Matt: Nope. He is alone. Kelly: Hm.

Person 1: I feel like you’re really far out. Person 2: What do you mean? Person 1: Your butt is sticking far out. Person 2: It’s not a butt. It’s a truck.

I mean, I could not play in the NFL. Look at these hands. -Kelly 

Maybe - just- sober me just comes across drunk sometimes! -Kelly

Guys, just for my own security and who I am as a person… these socks are really cozy. -Kelly

If you see the level of dust here… there are at least four levels… here. I’ll dust. I’ll just before… Christmas. -Kelly 

November 2022

““Mr. Jenkins” and “onesie” do not go in the same sentence. Never have and never will.” -Mr. Jenkins

Thousands of faces have been on this pillow... I'm not a germaphobe, but that's gross. -Nathan 

We both have our roles in this friendship, mine is to bring the drama! -Nathan

Kelly shuffles through her bay in the car while everyone waits outside of the car. Nathan holds up his Bad Dad's gift card.  Matt holds up HIS Bad Dad's gift card. Nathan: LET'S GOOOO! Kelly (not looking up): It's not a race!!!

If I wasn't awake this morning- I am now! But I can't talk about it. -Halleigh

Boob tag was the least of our worries during manure year. -Lindsey 

Mom! I’m gunna get you a crock pot shaped like a crocodile. (Whispers)…… crock…. Pot. -Maddy

I have two words for you: TRAIL OF TEARS! -Maddy

I feel like if o’s are circles, A’s are squares. -Maddy 

I love all of them… except for Tammy. -Kelly

You guys probably know that snails are slow people. -Al

(On porcupines) Kelly: I didn't know they hug things. Matt: A post is the only thing that'll let them hug.

Unknown person: Interest is dissipating. Second unknown person: Interest is re-ssipating!

There’s WD-40 in our vending machine. … it’s next to the PB blaster. There’s razor blades in there. -Matt

Matt: I wanna get a can of PB blaster, but I don’t need it! Bethany: Why do you want it? Matt: ‘Cause I like it!

Quote from Lindsey after a student was complaining about having to walk all the way to the office for a color print: “It's a hard life in a two hallway school.”

December 2022

(Man playing the guitar on the street) Nathan: That’s my reinforcement job right there. Kelly: You don’t have that much swag- Matt: -or that guitar. Nathan: Daaamn.

I think my moan is much more... cow like... -Kelly 

Matt: It looks like a perfect Christmas tree. Kelly: They have been well trained.

The next item is “behavioral issues… which is… a whole big ball of intertwined things. -Lindsey

I'm really just being catfished by this lady named Deb. -Cami (talking about her husband joking that he doesn't know where she actually is when she's playing pickleball)

 My mom made me wear 12 layers. I look like Baymax. -Emma 

Jon: Right, Mr. Vardaman? Small student: No! Jon: Don't argue with me. I'm 62 years old. Small student: I'm 1000!

They came with multiple generators. For those of you who are that prepared to rock… more power to you. -Jon Foreman

Thank you for trusting your son with a rock band. -Jon Foreman

Jon Foreman: Henry, can you tell the people what song you requested. Henry, age 11: Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

Joah: Can I have this candy? Kelly: if you let each of your siblings eat a child.

"Baby teeth are just a free trial until you figure out how teeth work." -Sam 

I have height whiskers. They’re called hawhiskers. -Matt

It was in the morning and I was weak and I couldn't think! -Judah 

Matt sits and waits in an office for a lady. Lady: oh! Matt: boo. … I am the ghost of industrial meter readings past, present, and future.

Schmazactly. -Deven Swan

Every once In a while, my crooked finger messes with my mind. -Nathan 

Nathan and Matt are talking about raising bees. Jessa: what happened to, "we have enough pets"? Matt: we need 30,000 more, Jessa. They're employees! Nathan: EmployBEES! 

When you eat pineapple, it eats you right back. -will

For the last time, put your tooth away! -Bethany 

I'm smiling because it's a gift. I like it. (Drops it) don't read into that. -Nathan to Judah

Matt: I paid to hear the kids sing, not the vocal track! Joah: You paid?? Matt: You didn’t?!

It's color day, not lawless day. - Jon

You went hideous today. It shows! From way back there! -Jon to Teresa

Me: oh, that’s an interesting drawing. What is he holding? 1st grader: A KNIFE!

Both sides of my family are traitors. -Emma

Joah: last night [judah] said “I’m single!” Kelly: he’s not lying. You’re single… and ready to mingle. 

Kelly: those were my favorite glasses! Bethany: you’re pulling out a nearly identical pair! Kelly: these were my second favorite pair… Matt: now they’re your first favorite. 

Never trust anyone with a chain wallet. They're always hooligans. -Matt 

I’ve never been to a concert. -Robert 

There was a pothole in my rib cage! -Hannah Guerin

I asked them to irrigate your leg and lo and behold they found another rock in there. -Betty Guerin 

I will go if there’s a lunch provided. -Judah (at 3 pm talking about a 6 pm service)

“There are tears on your face! Go take off your pants!” -Bethany to Kelly on Christmas Eve

“I wish I could sneeze like that… like a little bird.” -Kel

“If you guys move away, I’m gunna KICK your ass.” -Kelly

I have no reason to have one… but I have always really wanted a t-shirt cannon. -Nathan

I’ve read that one. It’s very gay. It’s gay Harry Potter. -girl at Barnes and noble

I'm not a child anymore. I'm a 9 year old. -Judah

I often mix up my handicapped brother and famous pop stars -bethany

We should hang out in the bathroom more often, guys. -Kelly 

If I get on a kick, I can put some salsa away. -Nathan

Kelly: Matt would not fit in our Christmas tree box Ben: not with that attitude 

Really just influenza A, all up in there. -Kelly watching the Times Square countdown to New Years

January 2023

Mrs. Myers… I wanna be YOU tomorrow……. But I don’t wanna take the time to straighten my hair. -Jaiden

Emma: my goal was more organization? Andrew: (eyes get big) more????

Beth: You know what I need on my side of the bed? Matt: Silence...?

Colton. Lookin’ studdly , man. Not dressed up as me, I can tell ya that. -Nathan

Bethany: So should you stop and smell the roses a little bit Ellie: NO. Katy: roses have THORNS.

I fixed the door knob… because I’m fixy… -Nathan 

I had two dreams. I wanted a third dream, but it hasn't come yet. -Jon Jenkins

Because who doesn't want baby clowns running around their house? -Andrew Albert

Matt: aren’t you the President? (Of the 4-H) Robert: NO!!!! …. I’m the vice president. 

Belt! Thank you for helping me with big word. If it's not a five syllable word, I have trouble. - Jon

I can type faster than I can do the push button with fat fingers. -Al

It's really cool........ this is my favorite knob. -Matt

Christelle: it’s 100 o’ clock! Bethany: I don’t think that’s a time. Christelle: if you’re tired, it is.

I like everything else dark and my wife white. -Erick

Beth: Matt sticks his nose in EVERYTHING Erick: wait, is that why we’re so close?

I would much rather be murdered than theived. -Kyla (Citadels)

“For $79 I can get us out of this misery and 2 inches off the floor” -Matt

Kelly whines in Nathan’s ear. Nathan also begins to whine. “Don’t make my sounds.” -Kelly

How fertile is your candle? -Andrew Albert 

Does she want a gun? -Jill holding out the toy gun to Ellie Albert

If you turn the 5 around and erase half of it, it could be a 7. -Nathan

I have no qualms about crushing the children's dreams. -Bizzy Miner

It’s like… my mind is an antique shop of dreams… -Matt Guerin

Two should be agreeable. -Judah on how many Mario Kart races the kids should play before bedtime.

Woooooahhhhh! Do you see those moves? -Kelly playing Mario kart

Kelly: I've called her some names- (Laughter) Judah: like idiot? LillyAnn: yeah!!! Actually!!! Kelly: I did do that. We worked through it.

I gotta be totally honest with you. I don’t know what a tomato classifies as and I don’t care. -Nathan

(On Turkish delight) is it made with real turkey? -Sarah Linder

I would be the farmer in Babe. Besides… I probably would’ve killed the pig. -Robert 

Bethany: do you need some deep breathing, Emma? Emma: I may need to do some deep punching.

I became a bubble wand for a second. -Nathan 

February 2023

Give them as much time as we need! We NEED THIS CHICKEN NUGGET!!!! -Sam (taking about a team needing more time so the whole class could get the answer right- aka - team chicken nugget)

If I were to do a crime, I’d want to benefit from it. -Kelly

Travolta’s steal in’ my look. -Nathan

Kelly: I talked too much! Bethany: for whom??? Kelly: For me!!!

Kelly: If I was a baller, I'd have so much street cred. Nathan: did you have wine? Kelly: no!

I am not people in general. I am me! -Nathan

Kelly: He's really bustin’ out the tunes today. Nathan: I bust out the tunes all the time. 

When I think fancy, I think ROBERT. -Jill Carder

Bethany: What songs do they play at a k-4th grade dance Amy: Get Low. They already are low.

“Lemme see ya bark bark bark bark bark bark” (Matt singing to the tune of the Rihanna work song)

How expensive is a trained carrier pigeon? -Joah

“Who needs an ambulance when you have a tank” -Kelly

Jon: Who’s our favorite 20th century physiologist? Al: DR. PHIL!

Jon: Does anyone know the difference between the Gregorian and the Julian calendar? Students: No! Jon: Does anyone care? Students: No! Jon: Alright- please stand for the pledge.

I could eat a cinnamon roll right now. -Matt, laying in bed at 10:45 pm

 March 2023

Get outta here, shoeless Susan! -Joah playing pretend with Judah

“The smile muscles at the back of my head are killing me… ow” -Deven

“We are kinda the definition of ‘the wrong people’” -Deven

I'm not gonna lie. I'm built different with spirals. -Elias

Bethany: Type my name there. 8th grader: What’s your name again? Brittney Spears?

I made the best blob that I was capable of. -Nathan

Yoinky yoinky! -9th grader

“Your dad is actually sorta funny, but I think he lets it leak out in class and then there isn’t any left for the rest of us” -Bethany to Jessa

Bethany: Matty, why are you collecting drills?

Matt: I don’t know! They just call my name.

One time I was eating a piece of paper and I got scared because it got stuck in the back of my throat. -6th grader

I think he has ingested an entire forest of pencils. -Katie Jo

Why is holding a baseball bat so soothing? -Nathan

On our first date, my wife cost me a dollar twenty five. And she’s been a cheap date ever since. -Jon Jenkins

Science fair question: which experiment would you never want to do? 6th grader: Acrylic vs. gel Question: why? 6th grader: I’m a man I don’t care about nail polish 

30 seconds! 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! -Jon

You woke me up the morning. You MULE KICKED me! Right before my alarm. -Matt

Joah tries to push Matt’s chips to the middle of the table during poker. “Hold on there, Wyatt Earp. I need those!” -Matt

Matt: THAT looks Gouda.

Kelly: Thank you!

Nathan: Cheesy pun, Matt.

Nathan: The Jays renegotiated their bedtimes the other night?

Matt: Whyyy… was their attorney not present? … was there at least a union boss there?

Nathan: They waved their rights to an attorney.

The food you’re eating is based on sadness and counseling. -10th grader

 Beth: what kind of ice cream did you get.

Matt: just chocolate. I needed to get out of the ice cream aisle… (distant look and begins to whisper)… there were some weird folks in it.

I add and subtract within twenty. That’s the math I’ve been doing the past decade. -Jill Carder

Sorry. I’ve been collecting pictures of all the cute dogs I know. I hadn’t gotten one of Watson. -Jill Carder

If you had, like, a big enough knife… could you crack open a turtle’s shell?? -Judah, miming stabbing as everyone watches open mouthed

Nathan: Jessa, would you be willing to not be a poop face?

Jessa: No. 😶

Bethany: so you’re wearing a shirt…. For if the police come… after a tornado…

Matt: yeah. What if the roof falls on us? I’ll be prepared.

(Nathan us talking about a little chick that he had to clean up that now has a bare bottom)

Matt: You should’ve called him Diaper…. Pampers. 

Joah: Pull Up.

Matt: Yep! Gotta call him Pull Up now.

Joah (singing): I’m a big chick now!

I was in heaven when I was soldering up all my miniature railroad stuff. -Nathan

2018-2022

March 2021

Urthera Franklin... -Matt

April 2021

(Talking about his tiller using a Hamilton tune) I'm trying to connect to you! -Matt

June 2021

If you're a pitcher, you've gotta say 'no' to the first two [signals from the catcher]. -Matt

Tamara: How's everyone dressing?

Beth: Black tie. Ballroom casual.

Tamara: Like jeans or shorts?

Mel: Tank tops and shorts. Maybe jeans.

Beth: Business aggressive and dressing to kill are Matt's suggestions. Wanted to put those in there.

That's a sturdy girl right there. -Mel (about a fence)

Ohhh... that's neat. I don't understand it, but it's fun. -Mel 

When it's awkward for me, I just keep going to make it worse. -Janet

July 2021

You're not going to have a job?! Then go get your fishing license! We got things to do! -1st grader to his mom

Al: I don't like the idea of french kissing God!

Elissa: Well... have you ever read Song of Solomon?

Kiersten is gone for one minute and it all goes to pot! -Al

The name of the Indians' home field is Progressive Field?! -Matt, cackling

Do you have any questions, comments, or rude remarks? -nurse checking in Mel

August 2021

Nathan: Your wife has committed shenanigans in my room.

Matt: It's in the closet.

Adults, please parole and watch the children. -Nathan

I. Am. The shenanigan. -Betsy

Don't put that on me! I don't like any of them! Except Hudson. I like Hudson. -Donica (on the concept of playing favorites)

Our school should have a golf team. I don't know golf, but I want to shout FOUR. I don't know what it means, but I wanna say it. FOUR!!! -10th grader

Being a runner means you have a child... and you bring it to us. -KTJ

I feel like Mrs. G is low key fast for no reason. -10th grader

I love chasing children. It's a good time. -TKA alumn during Underground King's

God is not with you when you're talking. -Bethany

If you hit THAT can, you win automatically. Ya got the skills to pay the bills. Ya won. -Noah H.

I'm passionate about F*R*I*E*N*D*S and nothing else. -11th grader

What's the bug's biscuits? -KTJ trying to get 1st grade to say 'abdomen'

I'm realizing I've let him become too powerful. -Matt P. about a 10th grader

(8th grade discussing moon rocks)

Student 1: Those are real things?

Nathan: Yes.

Student 2: They are really rare for some reason.

Some years ago, it was popular among the church to share friendship bread. You heard of that stuff? Stuff is NASTY. -Pastor DeNeff

Ronda: I was thinking 'There won't be any mice now that those people are coming.' I go into my room and you know what's there on my desk? ONE mouse poop! Right in the middle of the desk! IT's as if someone place it there on purpose! But who would do that?!

Beth: No one! That would be crazy!
Betsy: ....

(In regards to the thoroughness of contact tracing)

I would've asked him a ton of follow up questions, including what color his poop was and THEN told him to stay home. -Mel

My goal in life as a first grade teacher is to teach my kids about Michigan and baseball. -KTJ

Canoes break up marriages. -Mel

 

December 2021

 

 

I'm learning that our level of dirty is other people's level of maintained... -Matt

 

Mel: She kept these books from Paris and London because she was actually at the- it was around 1900-

Beth: Oh, the World's Fair?

Mel: -Quaker Friends Youth Conference... in London.

 

 

January 2022

Our Long John Silvers closed. I don't know if it was Hepatitis B or lack of business... or both. -Erick

I'm just a little ol' capybara sittin' on the couch. -Matt

Christelle: We're not celebrating your birthday! We've got to go to the water park!

Bethany: A water park! I didn't know I wanted to go to a water park!

Christelle: You asked for it!

Bethany: I didn't know I asked for it!

Christelle: I hear all people ask for it... under their breath...

Erick: Ginger ale?

Matt: No.

Erick: Butter beer?

Matt: No.

Erick: Permesan cheese?

Matt: Fine. If I'm going to drink something, I'll have some parmesan.

Bethany: It's it so cute? It's got such a big head and such a small body. 

Kyla: Aw. That makes sense. You're partial to things with big heads (glances at Matt).

I have a thieves den AND a tavern, so... it's like sin city over here. -Kyla (Citadels)

I feel like the monkey at the zoo with an enrichment item. -Matt holding a container of Tums

I have to steal the king each time because... you know... steal from the rich and give to the poor. -Kyla (Citadels)

Your longs are so arm. -Erick

I've always called it a vanilla envelope. -Shayla

Gimme the cancer, but don't give me the diabetes. -Nathan

Know what my girlfriend used to call me in college? Thunder Lips. -Josh Walker, joking

I have socks of this guy! Do I have socks of you?? -Lindsey talking about how famous Edgar Allen Poe is

 

Charles was concerned that I really thought he was Batman. -Katie Jo

 

I teach contractions by using a car crash. -Katie Jo

 

Guys. Nobody is fighting anybody for money. -Bethany

 

Bethany: Do you think I have an RBF?

Matt: No. I think if your face is like that, there's something wrong.

 

You can convince me to do pretty much anything outside. You cannot convince me to go stand by water and hold a stick. -Kelly

Listen, I'm a rare cuppa tea. -Molly

(talking about employee/boss relationships) I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to know you outside of work... (looks at Bethany)... not you. -Molly

 

I'm old! But I'm not THAT old. -Molly

I met expectations, Mr. Downs. Can I have extra credit? -Nathan imitating a student

 

Calculators are the spell check of math. -Mel

 

I used to play baseball. Outfield. Let me show you my technique... *sits on the floor cross legged* - Drayden

 

February 2022

 

Gavin, frustrated: We are not adding anything else!!! We have decided on our story!!!

Drayden, sassy: But what if we added... a dinosar?

 

Mel: Are you being sassy?!

Bethany: I think I'm just being factual.

 

Ayden: You did devour an average of five pencils a year.

Noah: Listen, it was satisfying to feel the snap in my mouth, alright?

 

H. Morris Wilson. That's my student name. H. Morris Wilson is my pen name. -Bruce

 

I'm gonna send them all home with a dead rose. -Katie Jo

 

Joy: I think you just saw all the problems and felt like you were drowning in all the problems.

Mother: Yes, I was on the bottom of the ocean!!!

 

I looked up pickleball knee pads... they don't exist. -Matt

 

It's not sharp. It's pointy. It's not for cutting. It's for stabbing. -Nathan

 

I can tell you exactly what students are gonna die of cancer because they put their cup of ramen in the microwave that says, "DO NOT MICROWAVE" every effing day. -Nathan

If someone is holding me up in the air by the crotch... that's a lot. -Kelly watching ice skating

 

We missed our calling, babe. We could've been ice dancers. -Nathan

 

Mrs. Winters called the 4th grade class blue footed boobies. -Betsy

 

That's good clean fun, right there. I mean... nobody gets hurt... ideally. -Betsy

 

Matt: Do I need under eye cream?

Beth: Maybe...

Matt: Pack ya bags, face!

 

Amazon is one of God's many tools. -Cindy

 

I ate a whole bunch of olives. Felt like my whole belly was pickled. -Kayla

 

They're like strawberries and champagne. They're bubbly and they're rich and I just love it. -Olympic skating commentator

 

Matt: People assume I'm not scrunchable.

Kelly: When I look at you, I think, "There's a scrunchy guy."

 

I'll miss him... when he's dead... probably. -John Lynn

 

That was not the worst near death experience that I've had. It was the LATEST, but not the worst. -John Lynn

 

Matt: Don't touch my effin sundae!

Beth: That was the strongest language I've ever heard Matt use.

Matt: The strongest of the letters.

 

I will make it a very unpleasant experience if I have to plunge their toilet. -unknown

 

We saved urine in bottles, but we weren't monsters! -Matt

 

It's like Pixar UP flavored. It hits the jugular at the beginning and the journey goes on from there. -unknown

 

Beth: It's like a trench coat.

Matt: It's more like a drench coat.

 

If I get on all fours, will you scratch my back? I'd even put a collar on. -Sarah watching Jillian pet the dog

 

Does anyone have a diary- a dowry- ... a dairy issue? -Sarah Linder

 

I ALWAYS win! -Bruce talking about NOT writing a run on sentence when the students said he did.

 

Janet: Something's wrong with these chips. They hurt my teeth. 

Beth: ... something's wrong with your teeth!

 

If we go out of country, I'd be more trouble than I'm worth. -Bruce

 

With Kentucky, I think I can handle foreign cuisine. -Bruce

 

(When asked how to spell cuisine) Q... U... E... uhhhh... -Nathan

 

First interview conducted shoeless. -Betsy finishing a new family tour without shoes on

 

Josh: See you soon.

Bethany: Hopefully not too soon. 

 

I wish I could get some feedback from him about whether or not it it's a good experience. -Matt talking about Watson's time at the groomer.

 

Donate plasma three times and you'll have enough for blankets and shipping. -Spencer

 

Get the remeers. Reveers. What are they called? VENEERS! -Sarah Linder

 

I don't think winks are as prominent as they were when I was a kid. -Shayla

 

We beg, we borrow, we rent church vehicles. -Jeff

 

I don't know if personal relationship will overrule insurance. -Jeff

 

My personality does lean more toward people who don't speak. -John Lynn

 

Waking it up is different from putting it to bed. -Jeff, referring to his beard

 

Focus on the Nazis for a minute! -Lindsey talking about the 11th graders getting caught up on the wrong point in World War 2

 

Pro tip. Maybe next time use your foot [to unplug that] becaues I've seen sparks come  outta that thing. -Mel

 

Beth: You don't like soccer?

Bruce: It's a communist plot.

 

I try and avoid PDPs at all costs. -Bethany

 

Irrational clients are the best. You can get them to do anything. -Bruce referring to Nathan

 

If we get those showers up and running and gas goes above $5 a gallon, I'm bringing all my clothes and sleeping here Monday through Friday. -Bruce

 

Bethany: You can lead a horse to water...

Mel: But you can't drown them in the drink.

 

I could beat you in high heels. And I've never worn high heels. -Josh

 

Our yard is soupy. I have to put on my snow boots to go get eggs. -Nathan

 

That is a STIFF crayon smell! -Matt

 

I look like I lost 300 pounds when I wear this sweatshirt. -Nathan

 

March 2022

 

He is 7 plus ADHD. -Josh

 

It was that area where Tony did something crappy to try and patch the toilet hole. -Josh

 

I have never in my life made sad eyes. I was born like *this.* (makes face) Bring it, world. -Josh

 

My mom's birthday is on the 12th this year. -Katie Jo

 

Jill: We need to pause this conversation so we can pray. 

Sarah: I love bacon. Just sayin'.

 

My name's the rhyming equivalent of orange. -Andrew

 

Ryan, are you married? ... I am NOT coming on to you! I am happily married! -Sarah Linder

 

It's like eating Skittles and M&Ms at the same time. It's colorful... but I don't know if they go together. -Bethany

 

You don't really wish people a happy Ash Wednesday... but... welcome to the season of contemplation, fellow travelers. -Deven

 

Many would say Titanic launched Kate Winslet's career... I would say it's a A Kid in King Arthur's Court. -Matt

 

Mel: We might use three trash bags a week if we're shredding every day.

Josh: I'm shredding every day.

 

I miss my canvas chair. It was the perfect size for two stacks of paper. -Katie Jo

 

Kelly: Do you think your mom is missing you?

Sam: No.

 

My most popular video has 30,000 views... except that was me jumping on a trend. -Sam

 

LillyAnn: I feel like you liking this song shows your age.

Nathan: I feel like you should stop talking.

 

What- how- do- this- print?! -Josh Walker

 

Actually, I'm pretty humble... and I'm quite proud of that. I should get a badge that says, "I'm Humble" and wear it. -Al

 

Bethany: Is there such a thing as a digital polaroid?

Lindsey: You mean a digital camera?

 

Mel: I woke up this morning and cut my hair in the dark.

Beth: Why did you do that?

Mel: It was getting long.

Beth: Not so much the cut as the dark.

Mel: It's not like I can see my hair anyway.

 

I think my fear of Rosemary exceeds my desire to play pickleball. -Josh

 

Since I can't corrupt you guys, I guess I'll go back to work. -Bruce

 

Nathan: How old do you think I am?

Janet: Well, your kids are young, so that's throwing me for a loop...

Nathan: Oh, so you think I look OLD?! 

(Janet runs out the door)

 

All of us get the benefit of asking that question without having to insert a catheter. -Ethan Linder

 

I'll wear anything but cantaloupe. -Deven

 

Nathan: Lawyer-client privelege.

Bruce: So SHUSH (to Bethany)

 

I feel like if I have Apple Pay and I just walk by a store, it's going to charge my card. I know it's not real, but that's what I feel in my heart. -Mel

 

Teresa: We had a zoo day today and we got to spend the night with the dolphins.

Al: Was it hard holding your breath that long?

 

I had it DOWN how I could bust out Hardy Boys book reports. -Nathan

 

My only concern with cleaning up the old building is the liability of kicking up dust. For example, asbest-dust. -Bethany

 

Beth: What would you call Ocean's 11?

Katie Jo: What does IMDB call it?

Beth: It's not a who-done-it...

Katie Jo: No, 'cause they're doin' it!

 

Mrs. Perry would LOVE this cake. She LOVES chocolate. ... and frogs. -Judah

 

I don't hide my books like a maniac. -Joah

 

You can't handle my back end. -Mel

 

Libby: Is that blood on your shirt?

Beth: Well, blood dries brown.

Libby: So... it's fresh.

 

The worms are everywhere. Dem robins better WAKE UP... it's dinna time. -Matt

 

Do they import the waiters? (about the waiters at Payne's) -Anne

 

Anne: I'm becoming more logical in my old age.

Bethany: Says the 31 year old. 

Anne: UM, 31 and a half.

 

11 times it put my butt in the air. And it takes a lot to put this butt in the air. -unknown

 

Pray for my brother, Josh. He has a robbin' headache. -Paul (kindergarten)

 

Oh... I think I should've started with... crap. -Bethany

(Speaking of sweat) Wait 'til you have teenage boys. They are so sweaty. They literally walk past you and sweat flings on you. -Betsy

I pity the person who jumps my daughter. They will get the living daylights beat out of them. -Betsy

I don’t like that medicine! It tastes like my own! -Bethany

 

April 2022

Nana: I'm superstitious that if I don't wear the same hat, I'll lose the tournament.

Bethany and Deven: That is really stitious! That is SUPERstitious!

She's a hypocricket. -Nana

Is it okay if I JUST get a cheeseburger... and a lemonade? Would they let me do that? -Ellie Q.

Deven: Teen Spirit could've been a deodorant commercial.

Nathan: I think that's what Nirvana was going for.

Jeff: They were classic corporate shills.

Malaki (talking to the bunkbeds in the dark): Who's next to me?

Matt: Mr. Guerin

Malaki: WOAH! Is that Batman?

Your husband is Batman. Did you know that? After 9 PM, he's just Batman. -Malaki

Mr. Downs... you're going to be a tearing down a playground. Can ya kick it?! -Kentucky project leader

Deven: Take note. Evan cleaned up his own spill.

Evan: Yes. And I did not try to run away.

Once we feel like we're going to die... we'll do Disney. -Bethany (about picking music during work time)

I defy written expectations. -Jeff

Somebody let a demon out for real in that toilet. -Josh William

Dude! My foot is HUGE if you look at my forearm! -Andrew

 

Mrs. Renbarger. Your name is perfect for alliteration. I can say Betsy is Bethany's best bestie. -Evan

 

Don't give me that! I'm not poopin' myself here! -Chris

 

Matt: Hobos use those bathrooms! (about hotel lobbies) 

Chris: They can catch these hands!

Oh, for the love of monkeys! How many people am I lookin' for? -Deven

 

I would see you go from here to there I was was like, "That's a person." - Adalynn's impression of Faith

We were having a wizard battle in the middle of the ocean in a thunderstorm. -Evan talking about his dreams

Jeff: I'm still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts... like, maybe the owl just got blown REALLY off course. 

Nathan: At this point, you may be looking at a teaching position.

Every bald person I know is equipped with some sort of wisdom. -Hudson

Did you know Spongebob's parents aren't cookies? I thought they were cookies until last year. -Chris

I'm responsible. I'm just a bad dancer. -Ayden

Come on, Charlie, you got legs of a ballerina, man. You can jump over girls! -Chris

God sent the rainbow as a promise to not flood the earth, but God never promised we wouldn't all die. -Caleb P.

Mrs. Guerin is the next level of "not single." -Ellie Q.

Nathan: What are you doing, Evan?

Evan (on a stool at the front of the room with a mic): A little bit of... sit down comedy.

I trust your faces. -Bethany

When I was little, I used to hum, "HMMMMMMMM" while my mom vacuumed. -Esther

Bethany: Adalynn, how many husbands do I have?

Adalynn: Mrs. Guerin, you have three husbands.

I got angry at my previous work gloves and power washed them. -Lindsey

I'm melted cheese! -Adalynn when she's emotional

It was a very lot. -Nathan

Jeff: Sometimes I need to tone it down a notch.

Nathan: We could put that on a t-shirt for you.

Jeff: My FRIEND!

No, man. Dig in or go home. -Nathan to Jeff as Jeff is trying to give Nathan a shoulder massage

The little frillies is takin' up the space. -Jonathan (husband of CH in Kentucky)

I'm an Eagle Scout. Be prepared! (Holding up an Eagle Scout sign while posing next to a mop bucket). -Jeff

Star Fleet Barfing. Beam me up, Scotty. To the next mess! -Jeff, preparing the mop bucket and wearing a Star Fleet Trucking hat.

Also... I am the age of "my shoulders ache when I am not laying on them." What is that about? -Lindsey

Some people need their comfort ravioli. -Deven

Classic corporate shill. -Jeff

Ayden: KFC is my childhood.

Nathan: It's time to grow up.

Keith to Jer: Do you want some ham on your mayonnaise sandwich? 

"I only move my neck for sweet tea." -Adria

If a mug is singing to me, it is now marriage. - Katura

Quote from Jackson (in Kentucky) after an older girl accidentally hit him in the face while playing foosball: "It's ok. It's just like a mean person punched me in the face."

Is that a burger with a side of fries and hepatitis? -Matt

I got pulled over one time and said, "Hello, othifer." -Jenna

Mrs. Guerin, you might be the most childlike adult I've ever met. -Faith

Person 1: You should wear a pope hat. 

Person 2: Don't tempt me. I would make that look fly.

I should've said nothing and let her have her diarrhea. -Sarah Linder (about when she sang loudly in the bathroom to cover up a stranger's bathroom noises)

Person 1: I was at a house with dogs yesterday and my nose has been running ever since. 

Person 2: I have some shoes in the car if you need to catch up with it.

I'm sorry, I love my husband, but if it's me or my husband... it's gonna be me. Justin Timberlake said it, so... -Molly

I couldn't pick my husband up unless he was a baby and I was my same age. -Bethany

I have left your hairs all over the United States. -Matt

I HATE soggy buns. - Matt

May 2022 

I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean it in a Star Wars way. -Josh

Josh: I need to move to the beach. Lindsey: why this time?

Bethany: this time? Lindsey: this happens every three days or so.

Bethany: I mean… people might be wearing cloaks and stuff. I wouldn’t call that business casual. Josh: It depends what galaxy you’re from!

See? I give you extra adventures. You’re welcome. -Ronda 

I don’t remember what I ordered, but I’m glad it’s here. -Lindsey

I’m not a vampire. I promise. BUT! It wouldn’t be surprising if I was. -Katy 

They’re like bees with ill intentions. -Katy (wasps)

Bethany: Ain’t no money like Disney money. Katie Jo: Cuz Disney money don’t stop. 

Jill: I don’t think I’ve ever been to the zoo at night. Matt: That’s because it’s closed.

(Van passes everybody) Kelly: Did she say, Hi Joah? Joah, is that your friend? Joah: NO. Bethany: You don’t have to act so indignant. Joah: The chances of me knowing someone in a BOOSTER seat…

We’re not Hollywood. We don’t need braces. -Kelly

Countcha blessings, pigeon. -Matt, watching a pigeon almost die on the highway

He was slam mouthin’ me like nobody’s beeswax. -Al Soultz

Erica: I would want my last name to be something obscure. Like Opal Herschberger.  Anna: Is that what you put down for a fake name for video games? Erica: I’m not. I’m Eladora Lovegood.

I’ve been rationing my Ridilin out for special occasions this year. -Noah

Ronda: The was kind of snarkouragement. Deven: I like snarkasm.

5 year old rolling out playdough. “I’m making God’s creation… but I can’t make ALL God’s creation because look at how much play dough I have!“ -kindergartener to be 

Janet: I got WORK to do today. I don’t have time to fall apart. Bethany: (imitating Janet) I don’t fall apart unless my schedule allows it.

Nana: It’s kind of little but it does so much damage. Lillie: kinda like kids.

Gracie: (To Nathan) your son is evil! He stuck his tongue out at me… and shook his booty! What are you teaching him?Nathan: Not that.

They were beautiful… I just wish they were beautiful in their hearts. -Kelly about the kids at prom

Bethany: Which ear can’t Josh hear out of? Al: I think it’s the right. Bethany: I thought it was the left. Al: No, I think he just ignores us out of the left.

Don’t you know that childrens’ bones are more pliable so that they can get caught up in the machines in the textile factories without jamming the machines. -Josh Woodard

I saw Nickelback live once… not on purpose. -Josh  

I’m just trying to have to think… how many ants would I have to eat??? -Nathan 

June 2022

I can always get on the phone and say random crap.” -Josh

“May I be permitted to go home and least clean up the unmentionables?” - Josh

Bethany: “Do you want to be a taekwondo pro?” Josh: “I like the option to be there.” 

“I would consider Sean White a peer.” -Josh

“I am medicated, but I still get fixated.” -Mel

I am going to Fredericksburg… to sleep outside. (Said like Eeyore) -Josh 

Bethany: “Shut up!” Donna to Kelly: “You have friends that tell you to shut up??” 

They let me smile in Philly. They did NOT let me smile in Indiana… oh wait. They let me wear my glasses. -Rachel (license)

“I’m gunna Looney Tune this for a second…” -Kayla

Anne: I’m in love with my eye doctor. He’s got these beautiful blue eyes. Bethany: You’re STILL seeing that old man?! Anne: No- that was my dentist!!! I guess I’ve got a thing for blue eyed doctors.

Whenever I see Kyla, I feel like I have to look cute. -Anne

Do you have a straightener at your house? It needs a little nudge. I could do it here, but I’m holding a turtle in my hand. -Rachel

If anyone opens their eyes, it’s a karate chop to the face. -Rachel (during mafia)

I’m suspicious of Kayla, but I think she’s just acting like herself. -Anne, playing Mafia

“CONVENIENTLY, these are my motor skills.” -Kyla, imitating Rillian taking multiple strawberries 

I’m gunna eat Watson! Just kidding! I’m gunna eat chicken from the TV! -Christelle

Bethany: There are so many good ice cream places in Grant County. Erick: But only one of them has “hoes” in the name.

Mmmm, that is so good. It’s like… Baby Yoda and you put it in a blender. -Erick

“The houses on our street look like crack houses, but they can afford fire works ALL year round!!!” -Laura W.

Jill: Is there an animal in the United States you haven’t eaten? Robert: A lizard.

Robert: I ate a coyote. I was a kid, though. 

Bethany: We’re going to need to check COVID restrictions on everywhere we go. Nathan: That’ll be weird to go back to. Matt: They’re like a year and a half behind. Bethany: Behind… may not be the right location. We’re ahead… but in what race? Matt: The freedom race.

Yeah… he’s got… he’s got a lotta Mickey Mouse stuff here. -Scott (about guy who built the half wall)

Bethany: “This is ex headmaster Mrs. Guerin.” Matt: “And ex-husband of headmaster…” Bethany: “No no. Don’t say it that way.”

Know what I haven’t seen for a really long time. The moon. Like, where is it? -Kelly