Urthera Franklin... -Matt
April 2021
(Talking about his tiller using a Hamilton tune) I'm trying to connect to you! -Matt
June 2021
If you're a pitcher, you've gotta say 'no' to the first two [signals from the catcher]. -Matt
Tamara: How's everyone dressing?
Beth: Black tie. Ballroom casual.
Tamara: Like jeans or shorts?
Mel: Tank tops and shorts. Maybe jeans.
Beth: Business aggressive and dressing to kill are Matt's suggestions. Wanted to put those in there.
That's a sturdy girl right there. -Mel (about a fence)
Ohhh... that's neat. I don't understand it, but it's fun. -Mel
When it's awkward for me, I just keep going to make it worse. -Janet
July 2021
You're not going to have a job?! Then go get your fishing license! We got things to do! -1st grader to his mom
Al: I don't like the idea of french kissing God!
Elissa: Well... have you ever read Song of Solomon?
Kiersten is gone for one minute and it all goes to pot! -Al
The name of the Indians' home field is Progressive Field?! -Matt, cackling
Do you have any questions, comments, or rude remarks? -nurse checking in Mel
August 2021
Nathan: Your wife has committed shenanigans in my room.
Matt: It's in the closet.
Adults, please parole and watch the children. -Nathan
I. Am. The shenanigan. -Betsy
Don't put that on me! I don't like any of them! Except Hudson. I like Hudson. -Donica (on the concept of playing favorites)
Our school should have a golf team. I don't know golf, but I want to shout FOUR. I don't know what it means, but I wanna say it. FOUR!!! -10th grader
Being a runner means you have a child... and you bring it to us. -KTJ
I feel like Mrs. G is low key fast for no reason. -10th grader
I love chasing children. It's a good time. -TKA alumn during Underground King's
God is not with you when you're talking. -Bethany
If you hit THAT can, you win automatically. Ya got the skills to pay the bills. Ya won. -Noah H.
I'm passionate about F*R*I*E*N*D*S and nothing else. -11th grader
What's the bug's biscuits? -KTJ trying to get 1st grade to say 'abdomen'
I'm realizing I've let him become too powerful. -Matt P. about a 10th grader
(8th grade discussing moon rocks)
Student 1: Those are real things?
Nathan: Yes.
Student 2: They are really rare for some reason.
Some years ago, it was popular among the church to share friendship bread. You heard of that stuff? Stuff is NASTY. -Pastor DeNeff
Ronda: I was thinking 'There won't be any mice now that those people are coming.' I go into my room and you know what's there on my desk? ONE mouse poop! Right in the middle of the desk! IT's as if someone place it there on purpose! But who would do that?!
Beth: No one! That would be crazy!
Betsy: ....
Betsy: ....
(In regards to the thoroughness of contact tracing)
I would've asked him a ton of follow up questions, including what color his poop was and THEN told him to stay home. -Mel
My goal in life as a first grade teacher is to teach my kids about Michigan and baseball. -KTJ
Canoes break up marriages. -Mel
December 2021
I'm learning that our level of dirty is other people's level of maintained... -Matt
Mel: She kept these books from Paris and London because she was actually at the- it was around 1900-
Beth: Oh, the World's Fair?
Mel: -Quaker Friends Youth Conference... in London.
January 2022
Our Long John Silvers closed. I don't know if it was Hepatitis B or lack of business... or both. -Erick
I'm just a little ol' capybara sittin' on the couch. -Matt
Christelle: We're not celebrating your birthday! We've got to go to the water park!
Bethany: A water park! I didn't know I wanted to go to a water park!
Christelle: You asked for it!
Bethany: I didn't know I asked for it!
Christelle: I hear all people ask for it... under their breath...
Erick: Ginger ale?
Matt: No.
Erick: Butter beer?
Matt: No.
Erick: Permesan cheese?
Matt: Fine. If I'm going to drink something, I'll have some parmesan.
Bethany: It's it so cute? It's got such a big head and such a small body.
Kyla: Aw. That makes sense. You're partial to things with big heads (glances at Matt).
I have a thieves den AND a tavern, so... it's like sin city over here. -Kyla (Citadels)
I feel like the monkey at the zoo with an enrichment item. -Matt holding a container of Tums
I have to steal the king each time because... you know... steal from the rich and give to the poor. -Kyla (Citadels)
Your longs are so arm. -Erick
I've always called it a vanilla envelope. -Shayla
Gimme the cancer, but don't give me the diabetes. -Nathan
Know what my girlfriend used to call me in college? Thunder Lips. -Josh Walker, joking
I have socks of this guy! Do I have socks of you?? -Lindsey talking about how famous Edgar Allen Poe is
Charles was concerned that I really thought he was Batman. -Katie Jo
I teach contractions by using a car crash. -Katie Jo
Guys. Nobody is fighting anybody for money. -Bethany
Bethany: Do you think I have an RBF?
Matt: No. I think if your face is like that, there's something wrong.
You can convince me to do pretty much anything outside. You cannot convince me to go stand by water and hold a stick. -Kelly
Listen, I'm a rare cuppa tea. -Molly
(talking about employee/boss relationships) I don't want to be your friend. I don't want to know you outside of work... (looks at Bethany)... not you. -Molly
I'm old! But I'm not THAT old. -Molly
I met expectations, Mr. Downs. Can I have extra credit? -Nathan imitating a student
Calculators are the spell check of math. -Mel
I used to play baseball. Outfield. Let me show you my technique... *sits on the floor cross legged* - Drayden
February 2022
Gavin, frustrated: We are not adding anything else!!! We have decided on our story!!!
Drayden, sassy: But what if we added... a dinosar?
Mel: Are you being sassy?!
Bethany: I think I'm just being factual.
Ayden: You did devour an average of five pencils a year.
Noah: Listen, it was satisfying to feel the snap in my mouth, alright?
H. Morris Wilson. That's my student name. H. Morris Wilson is my pen name. -Bruce
I'm gonna send them all home with a dead rose. -Katie Jo
Joy: I think you just saw all the problems and felt like you were drowning in all the problems.
Mother: Yes, I was on the bottom of the ocean!!!
I looked up pickleball knee pads... they don't exist. -Matt
It's not sharp. It's pointy. It's not for cutting. It's for stabbing. -Nathan
I can tell you exactly what students are gonna die of cancer because they put their cup of ramen in the microwave that says, "DO NOT MICROWAVE" every effing day. -Nathan
If someone is holding me up in the air by the crotch... that's a lot. -Kelly watching ice skating
We missed our calling, babe. We could've been ice dancers. -Nathan
Mrs. Winters called the 4th grade class blue footed boobies. -Betsy
That's good clean fun, right there. I mean... nobody gets hurt... ideally. -Betsy
Matt: Do I need under eye cream?
Beth: Maybe...
Matt: Pack ya bags, face!
Amazon is one of God's many tools. -Cindy
I ate a whole bunch of olives. Felt like my whole belly was pickled. -Kayla
They're like strawberries and champagne. They're bubbly and they're rich and I just love it. -Olympic skating commentator
Matt: People assume I'm not scrunchable.
Kelly: When I look at you, I think, "There's a scrunchy guy."
I'll miss him... when he's dead... probably. -John Lynn
That was not the worst near death experience that I've had. It was the LATEST, but not the worst. -John Lynn
Matt: Don't touch my effin sundae!
Beth: That was the strongest language I've ever heard Matt use.
Matt: The strongest of the letters.
I will make it a very unpleasant experience if I have to plunge their toilet. -unknown
We saved urine in bottles, but we weren't monsters! -Matt
It's like Pixar UP flavored. It hits the jugular at the beginning and the journey goes on from there. -unknown
Beth: It's like a trench coat.
Matt: It's more like a drench coat.
If I get on all fours, will you scratch my back? I'd even put a collar on. -Sarah watching Jillian pet the dog
Does anyone have a diary- a dowry- ... a dairy issue? -Sarah Linder
I ALWAYS win! -Bruce talking about NOT writing a run on sentence when the students said he did.
Janet: Something's wrong with these chips. They hurt my teeth.
Beth: ... something's wrong with your teeth!
If we go out of country, I'd be more trouble than I'm worth. -Bruce
With Kentucky, I think I can handle foreign cuisine. -Bruce
(When asked how to spell cuisine) Q... U... E... uhhhh... -Nathan
First interview conducted shoeless. -Betsy finishing a new family tour without shoes on
Josh: See you soon.
Bethany: Hopefully not too soon.
I wish I could get some feedback from him about whether or not it it's a good experience. -Matt talking about Watson's time at the groomer.
Donate plasma three times and you'll have enough for blankets and shipping. -Spencer
Get the remeers. Reveers. What are they called? VENEERS! -Sarah Linder
I don't think winks are as prominent as they were when I was a kid. -Shayla
We beg, we borrow, we rent church vehicles. -Jeff
I don't know if personal relationship will overrule insurance. -Jeff
My personality does lean more toward people who don't speak. -John Lynn
Waking it up is different from putting it to bed. -Jeff, referring to his beard
Focus on the Nazis for a minute! -Lindsey talking about the 11th graders getting caught up on the wrong point in World War 2
Pro tip. Maybe next time use your foot [to unplug that] becaues I've seen sparks come outta that thing. -Mel
Beth: You don't like soccer?
Bruce: It's a communist plot.
I try and avoid PDPs at all costs. -Bethany
Irrational clients are the best. You can get them to do anything. -Bruce referring to Nathan
If we get those showers up and running and gas goes above $5 a gallon, I'm bringing all my clothes and sleeping here Monday through Friday. -Bruce
Bethany: You can lead a horse to water...
Mel: But you can't drown them in the drink.
I could beat you in high heels. And I've never worn high heels. -Josh
Our yard is soupy. I have to put on my snow boots to go get eggs. -Nathan
That is a STIFF crayon smell! -Matt
I look like I lost 300 pounds when I wear this sweatshirt. -Nathan
March 2022
He is 7 plus ADHD. -Josh
It was that area where Tony did something crappy to try and patch the toilet hole. -Josh
I have never in my life made sad eyes. I was born like *this.* (makes face) Bring it, world. -Josh
My mom's birthday is on the 12th this year. -Katie Jo
Jill: We need to pause this conversation so we can pray.
Sarah: I love bacon. Just sayin'.
My name's the rhyming equivalent of orange. -Andrew
Ryan, are you married? ... I am NOT coming on to you! I am happily married! -Sarah Linder
It's like eating Skittles and M&Ms at the same time. It's colorful... but I don't know if they go together. -Bethany
You don't really wish people a happy Ash Wednesday... but... welcome to the season of contemplation, fellow travelers. -Deven
Many would say Titanic launched Kate Winslet's career... I would say it's a A Kid in King Arthur's Court. -Matt
Mel: We might use three trash bags a week if we're shredding every day.
Josh: I'm shredding every day.
I miss my canvas chair. It was the perfect size for two stacks of paper. -Katie Jo
Kelly: Do you think your mom is missing you?
Sam: No.
My most popular video has 30,000 views... except that was me jumping on a trend. -Sam
LillyAnn: I feel like you liking this song shows your age.
Nathan: I feel like you should stop talking.
What- how- do- this- print?! -Josh Walker
Actually, I'm pretty humble... and I'm quite proud of that. I should get a badge that says, "I'm Humble" and wear it. -Al
Bethany: Is there such a thing as a digital polaroid?
Lindsey: You mean a digital camera?
Mel: I woke up this morning and cut my hair in the dark.
Beth: Why did you do that?
Mel: It was getting long.
Beth: Not so much the cut as the dark.
Mel: It's not like I can see my hair anyway.
I think my fear of Rosemary exceeds my desire to play pickleball. -Josh
Since I can't corrupt you guys, I guess I'll go back to work. -Bruce
Nathan: How old do you think I am?
Janet: Well, your kids are young, so that's throwing me for a loop...
Nathan: Oh, so you think I look OLD?!
(Janet runs out the door)
All of us get the benefit of asking that question without having to insert a catheter. -Ethan Linder
I'll wear anything but cantaloupe. -Deven
Nathan: Lawyer-client privelege.
Bruce: So SHUSH (to Bethany)
I feel like if I have Apple Pay and I just walk by a store, it's going to charge my card. I know it's not real, but that's what I feel in my heart. -Mel
Teresa: We had a zoo day today and we got to spend the night with the dolphins.
Al: Was it hard holding your breath that long?
I had it DOWN how I could bust out Hardy Boys book reports. -Nathan
My only concern with cleaning up the old building is the liability of kicking up dust. For example, asbest-dust. -Bethany
Beth: What would you call Ocean's 11?
Katie Jo: What does IMDB call it?
Beth: It's not a who-done-it...
Katie Jo: No, 'cause they're doin' it!
Mrs. Perry would LOVE this cake. She LOVES chocolate. ... and frogs. -Judah
I don't hide my books like a maniac. -Joah
You can't handle my back end. -Mel
Libby: Is that blood on your shirt?
Beth: Well, blood dries brown.
Libby: So... it's fresh.
The worms are everywhere. Dem robins better WAKE UP... it's dinna time. -Matt
Do they import the waiters? (about the waiters at Payne's) -Anne
Anne: I'm becoming more logical in my old age.
Bethany: Says the 31 year old.
Anne: UM, 31 and a half.
11 times it put my butt in the air. And it takes a lot to put this butt in the air. -unknown
Pray for my brother, Josh. He has a robbin' headache. -Paul (kindergarten)
Oh... I think I should've started with... crap. -Bethany
(Speaking
of sweat) Wait 'til you have teenage boys. They are so sweaty. They
literally walk past you and sweat flings on you. -Betsy
I don’t like that medicine! It tastes like my own! -Bethany
April 2022
Nana: I'm superstitious that if I don't wear the same hat, I'll lose the tournament.
Bethany and Deven: That is really stitious! That is SUPERstitious!
She's a hypocricket. -Nana
Is it okay if I JUST get a cheeseburger... and a lemonade? Would they let me do that? -Ellie Q.
Deven: Teen Spirit could've been a deodorant commercial.
Nathan: I think that's what Nirvana was going for.
Jeff: They were classic corporate shills.
Malaki (talking to the bunkbeds in the dark): Who's next to me?
Matt: Mr. Guerin
Malaki: WOAH! Is that Batman?
Your husband is Batman. Did you know that? After 9 PM, he's just Batman. -Malaki
Mr. Downs... you're going to be a tearing down a playground. Can ya kick it?! -Kentucky project leader
Deven: Take note. Evan cleaned up his own spill.
Evan: Yes. And I did not try to run away.
Once we feel like we're going to die... we'll do Disney. -Bethany (about picking music during work time)
I defy written expectations. -Jeff
Somebody let a demon out for real in that toilet. -Josh William
Dude! My foot is HUGE if you look at my forearm! -Andrew
Mrs. Renbarger. Your name is perfect for alliteration. I can say Betsy is Bethany's best bestie. -Evan
Don't give me that! I'm not poopin' myself here! -Chris
Matt: Hobos use those bathrooms! (about hotel lobbies)
Chris: They can catch these hands!
Oh, for the love of monkeys! How many people am I lookin' for? -Deven
I would see you go from here to there I was was like, "That's a person." - Adalynn's impression of Faith
We were having a wizard battle in the middle of the ocean in a thunderstorm. -Evan talking about his dreams
Jeff: I'm still waiting for my letter from Hogwarts... like, maybe the owl just got blown REALLY off course.
Nathan: At this point, you may be looking at a teaching position.
Every bald person I know is equipped with some sort of wisdom. -Hudson
Did you know Spongebob's parents aren't cookies? I thought they were cookies until last year. -Chris
I'm responsible. I'm just a bad dancer. -Ayden
Come on, Charlie, you got legs of a ballerina, man. You can jump over girls! -Chris
God sent the rainbow as a promise to not flood the earth, but God never promised we wouldn't all die. -Caleb P.
Mrs. Guerin is the next level of "not single." -Ellie Q.
Nathan: What are you doing, Evan?
Evan (on a stool at the front of the room with a mic): A little bit of... sit down comedy.
I trust your faces. -Bethany
When I was little, I used to hum, "HMMMMMMMM" while my mom vacuumed. -Esther
Bethany: Adalynn, how many husbands do I have?
Adalynn: Mrs. Guerin, you have three husbands.
I got angry at my previous work gloves and power washed them. -Lindsey
I'm melted cheese! -Adalynn when she's emotional
It was a very lot. -Nathan
Jeff: Sometimes I need to tone it down a notch.
Nathan: We could put that on a t-shirt for you.
Jeff: My FRIEND!
No, man. Dig in or go home. -Nathan to Jeff as Jeff is trying to give Nathan a shoulder massage
The little frillies is takin' up the space. -Jonathan (husband of CH in Kentucky)
I'm an Eagle Scout. Be prepared! (Holding up an Eagle Scout sign while posing next to a mop bucket). -Jeff
Star Fleet Barfing. Beam me up, Scotty. To the next mess! -Jeff, preparing the mop bucket and wearing a Star Fleet Trucking hat.
Also... I am the age of "my shoulders ache when I am not laying on them." What is that about? -Lindsey
Some people need their comfort ravioli. -Deven
Classic corporate shill. -Jeff
Ayden: KFC is my childhood.
Nathan: It's time to grow up.
Keith to Jer: Do you want some ham on your mayonnaise sandwich?
"I only move my neck for sweet tea." -Adria
If a mug is singing to me, it is now marriage. - Katura
Quote from Jackson (in Kentucky) after an older girl accidentally hit him in the face while playing foosball: "It's ok. It's just like a mean person punched me in the face."
Is that a burger with a side of fries and hepatitis? -Matt
I got pulled over one time and said, "Hello, othifer." -Jenna
Mrs. Guerin, you might be the most childlike adult I've ever met. -Faith
Person 1: You should wear a pope hat.
Person 2: Don't tempt me. I would make that look fly.
I should've said nothing and let her have her diarrhea. -Sarah Linder (about when she sang loudly in the bathroom to cover up a stranger's bathroom noises)
Person 1: I was at a house with dogs yesterday and my nose has been running ever since.
Person 2: I have some shoes in the car if you need to catch up with it.
I'm sorry, I love my husband, but if it's me or my husband... it's gonna be me. Justin Timberlake said it, so... -Molly
I couldn't pick my husband up unless he was a baby and I was my same age. -Bethany
I have left your hairs all over the United States. -Matt
I HATE soggy buns. - Matt
May 2022
I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean it in a Star Wars way. -Josh
Josh: I need to move to the beach. Lindsey: why this time?
Bethany: this time? Lindsey: this happens every three days or so.
Bethany: I mean… people might be wearing cloaks and stuff. I wouldn’t call that business casual. Josh: It depends what galaxy you’re from!
See? I give you extra adventures. You’re welcome. -Ronda
I don’t remember what I ordered, but I’m glad it’s here. -Lindsey
I’m not a vampire. I promise. BUT! It wouldn’t be surprising if I was. -Katy
They’re like bees with ill intentions. -Katy (wasps)
Bethany: Ain’t no money like Disney money. Katie Jo: Cuz Disney money don’t stop.
Jill: I don’t think I’ve ever been to the zoo at night. Matt: That’s because it’s closed.
(Van passes everybody) Kelly: Did she say, Hi Joah? Joah, is that your friend? Joah: NO. Bethany: You don’t have to act so indignant. Joah: The chances of me knowing someone in a BOOSTER seat…
We’re not Hollywood. We don’t need braces. -Kelly
Countcha blessings, pigeon. -Matt, watching a pigeon almost die on the highway
He was slam mouthin’ me like nobody’s beeswax. -Al Soultz
Erica: I would want my last name to be something obscure. Like Opal Herschberger. Anna: Is that what you put down for a fake name for video games? Erica: I’m not. I’m Eladora Lovegood.
I’ve been rationing my Ridilin out for special occasions this year. -Noah
Ronda: The was kind of snarkouragement. Deven: I like snarkasm.
5 year old rolling out playdough. “I’m making God’s creation… but I can’t make ALL God’s creation because look at how much play dough I have!“ -kindergartener to be
Janet: I got WORK to do today. I don’t have time to fall apart. Bethany: (imitating Janet) I don’t fall apart unless my schedule allows it.
Nana: It’s kind of little but it does so much damage. Lillie: kinda like kids.
Gracie: (To Nathan) your son is evil! He stuck his tongue out at me… and shook his booty! What are you teaching him?Nathan: Not that.
They were beautiful… I just wish they were beautiful in their hearts. -Kelly about the kids at prom
Bethany: Which ear can’t Josh hear out of? Al: I think it’s the right. Bethany: I thought it was the left. Al: No, I think he just ignores us out of the left.
Don’t you know that childrens’ bones are more pliable so that they can get caught up in the machines in the textile factories without jamming the machines. -Josh Woodard
I saw Nickelback live once… not on purpose. -Josh
I’m just trying to have to think… how many ants would I have to eat??? -Nathan
June 2022
I can always get on the phone and say random crap.” -Josh
“May I be permitted to go home and least clean up the unmentionables?” - Josh
Bethany: “Do you want to be a taekwondo pro?” Josh: “I like the option to be there.”
“I would consider Sean White a peer.” -Josh
“I am medicated, but I still get fixated.” -Mel
I am going to Fredericksburg… to sleep outside. (Said like Eeyore) -Josh
Bethany: “Shut up!” Donna to Kelly: “You have friends that tell you to shut up??”
They let me smile in Philly. They did NOT let me smile in Indiana… oh wait. They let me wear my glasses. -Rachel (license)
“I’m gunna Looney Tune this for a second…” -Kayla
Anne: I’m in love with my eye doctor. He’s got these beautiful blue eyes. Bethany: You’re STILL seeing that old man?! Anne: No- that was my dentist!!! I guess I’ve got a thing for blue eyed doctors.
Whenever I see Kyla, I feel like I have to look cute. -Anne
Do you have a straightener at your house? It needs a little nudge. I could do it here, but I’m holding a turtle in my hand. -Rachel
If anyone opens their eyes, it’s a karate chop to the face. -Rachel (during mafia)
I’m suspicious of Kayla, but I think she’s just acting like herself. -Anne, playing Mafia
“CONVENIENTLY, these are my motor skills.” -Kyla, imitating Rillian taking multiple strawberries
I’m gunna eat Watson! Just kidding! I’m gunna eat chicken from the TV! -Christelle
Bethany: There are so many good ice cream places in Grant County. Erick: But only one of them has “hoes” in the name.
Mmmm, that is so good. It’s like… Baby Yoda and you put it in a blender. -Erick
“The houses on our street look like crack houses, but they can afford fire works ALL year round!!!” -Laura W.
Jill: Is there an animal in the United States you haven’t eaten? Robert: A lizard.
Robert: I ate a coyote. I was a kid, though.
Bethany: We’re going to need to check COVID restrictions on everywhere we go. Nathan: That’ll be weird to go back to. Matt: They’re like a year and a half behind. Bethany: Behind… may not be the right location. We’re ahead… but in what race? Matt: The freedom race.
Yeah… he’s got… he’s got a lotta Mickey Mouse stuff here. -Scott (about guy who built the half wall)
Bethany: “This is ex headmaster Mrs. Guerin.” Matt: “And ex-husband of headmaster…” Bethany: “No no. Don’t say it that way.”
Know what I haven’t seen for a really long time. The moon. Like, where is it? -Kelly
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